once pristine . texts . dreams

some guys and i were fixing a pipe, we are in an apartment, ground level, within a complex of several apartments. the apartments are not nice, cheap and rundown. i was working with another guy, we are on the ground level, above where the pipe emerges with a small hole diameter out of the floor, but the pipe must widen below ground because we are talking to some other guys down there within the pipe, below ground, working. we are missing some parts, there is a small hole on our end that must be plugged quickly or there will be shit everywhere, but i cannot find the plug, i think i have it but the fit is questionable and i don’t really know what the part i am holding is, it seems like it will fit but i am afraid of what will happen if i stick it in the hole and it is not the plug piece. i tell one of the guys below i will go to another apartment and try to divert the stream of shit to another pipe where nobody is working and the pipes are not open . this takes me to another place, i have been appointed to the board of directors by some infantilizing woman who is the head of the board, the other board members are clubby and yes people for her, i don’t belong. she passes out small pieces of meat, like fancy ham or prosciutto, to everyone on the board but skips me, so i know i am shunned by them, but why did she appoint me to begin with? i don’t even want to be on the board. they are pairing up and preparing to do some sort of business with another group, i am an outcast among them, the position bothers me, i want to quit but don’t want to be humiliated, and the shame is outweighing the anger and so i am silent. then i am with my wife and daughter and they are playing together with a line of crayons or chalk in a box, drawing on a board in one of the apartments. people, families and children are everywhere among the apartments and on the road outside between rows of apartments, it is a warm friday night and the apartments are all open in what is like a large open party for families ... my wife and daughter are fine with the drawing, i try to join them, and think about stealing a batch of crayons for her, but realize they are fine and it is not necessary, so i feel guilty and feel that i should put my attention elsewhere, perhaps to my son. then i am back with the chairwoman of the board and she is insufferable to me, infantilizing and stupid, but i can’t shake the feeling that i need her approval, and it still makes no sense that she herself appointed me to this board of directors and then shuns me from the group and gangs up on me and makes me feel stupid. some important visitors show up when i am with her, and it is obvious to me that they are trying to avoid her at this moment because they just want to find a place to eat or sleep and they will deal with her later, they know she will be a pain in their ass so they look visibly disappointed when she bumps into them, but they feign politeness. she is true to their expectation and launches in with helpful information they might need and small talk, and they just seem in a hurry to leave. finally they get away and i just can’t take it anymore and i stop her and tell her i am quitting the board. she predictably scoffs and acts as though i am too unimportant anyway, and then i start yelling at her to listen to me and i enumerate all the reasons why she is stupid and ineffective, starting with the example of the people she just met who just wanted her to leave them alone for the moment but she was too dense to pick up on it and just annoyed them as they knew she would. i can’t tell if she understands me or doesn’t believe me, but i am at least shouting forcefully enough that i know she hears me, so i feel better about that, and then it doesn’t matter anymore because i have quit. then i am with my wife, son and daughter in one of the apartments with our friends, who are a couple with children, actually only the mother, my friend’s wife, is there now. i am on a bed and my friend’s wife is helping me with my back, which hurts. she tells me to twist and she will press on my hip just as her chiropractor does, because she has the same back problem. i begin to twist and she starts to lean on me but it feels socially uncomfortable because she has to basically lie on me to do the maneuver, she also seems hesitant to do it, my wife is there but it is not uncomfortable for her because she knows what’s happening, but the woman’s husband appears in the doorway and glances at his wife lying me but he doesn’t give it a second thought and passes, but i feel uncomfortable and say ‘this is not what it looks like’ with a fake chuckle, and then he glares at me and says ‘oh, fuck you’ so i immediately regret trying to diffuse the situation with a stupid unfunny remark, and realize it would have been better just to say nothing and act normal, because it was all innocent anyway, and not to have called attention to the compromising position. meanwhile my wife and daughter are playing near the bed, and my son is there too and everything is fine with us. but then my friend comes back in the room with his son and an older boy and they are all three wearing baseball uniforms and getting ready for a baseball game . i guess my friend is the coach and it is his son’s game and i’m not sure what the older boy, who is perhaps my friend’s nephew is doing, maybe he is the assistant coach, anyway they are all obviously very into baseball, except i detect a hesitancy with the boy, like perhaps his father is more into it than he is and he goes along, the uniforms are old school style and the boy’s is very worn, the boy is my son’s age, much older than i remember him. i briefly feel regretful that my son and i are not so into sports, but that feeling is put down right away. there is still tension between my friend and i, and i am worried it is about the chiropractic incident with his wife, so i am feigning a lot of curiosity about his imminent baseball game and he is grumpy and brushing me off and i feel stupid, i assume he is mad at me for the incident with his wife but eventually i realize he never cared about that and he is actually upset for some much larger reasons and things are not good with his family, it has nothing to do with me, and so i stop with the stupid banter and just feel stupid for having been this insecure